I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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