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Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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