my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize