I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
