Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
if only i could text you this smell
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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