If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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