i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize