You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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