I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I still have a little drunk in my system
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
