Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
