hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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