i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
