it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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