why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
