I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
