matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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