he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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