woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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