she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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