You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
