Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
