she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
