piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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