Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
