Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
