I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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