I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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