just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
