There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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