I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize