A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
