I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
worst night to have a conscience
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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