someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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