i think i have herpe
just one?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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