Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
