I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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