I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
