Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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