You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
