he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
