when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
