We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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