So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
