Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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