i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
