i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
