You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
