He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Brb crying the tears of my youth
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
