Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i dont even know how to be here
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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