Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
