you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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