I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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