I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
